Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
