Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
