Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
