Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
a search helicopter?!
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
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