It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Congratulations! We have a period
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