My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
