me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
