Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
meet me or not, i'm out of control
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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