Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
