Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Just cropdusted the office
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
