I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
only you would photoshop your dick
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
