Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
