I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
