If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
