Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
