Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Randomize
