Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
