No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
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