I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
