wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
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