he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
