There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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