due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
as a side note pls kill me
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