The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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