i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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