Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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