I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
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