got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
