All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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