Swine flu. Run for my life!
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
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