I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
