Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
