The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
