Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
