Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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