He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
