Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
