i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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