you didnt know i had herpes?
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
