She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
