I'm laying in your front yard are you home
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
cat food counts as protein by the way
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
