I just gift wrapped bread.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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