Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
