I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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