he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
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