Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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