My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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