Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
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he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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