i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
