I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
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