Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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