I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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