I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
The air taste purple.
Randomize
