Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
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