Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
